


The Horse and His Ignorant Meatshield

by Ithil



Category: Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Comedy, Gen, One Shot, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-13
Updated: 2008-08-13
Packaged: 2017-11-26 23:06:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithil/pseuds/Ithil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A parody of C.S. Lewis's most excellent work, <i>The Horse and His Boy</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Horse and His Ignorant Meatshield

**Author's Note:**

> It is with great delight that I make my first post to AO3. This work was considered too scandalous for Fanfiction.net or MediaMiner.org. Does it contain lots of gory violence, you might ask? Is it because of all the naked babe bods? No! It is because it is written in script format, which, according to the geniuses at both those sites, automatically makes it chatfiction. (Don't get me started. Well, don't get me any more started than this.)
> 
> Like most of you, I love Narnia, but sometimes we have to make dreadful, dreadful parodies of what we love. In 2008, I did just that. And just because I won't be making further changes to the story doesn't mean I'm too good to hear concrit.

This work is a parody of C.S. Lewis's most excellent _The Horse and His Boy_. This parody is copyright and TM D. Flynn 2008.

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SHASTA: (smells like fish) Wow! It sure is great to live here in a civilized country instead of in those crazy barbarian places where the animals talk and they beat kids like me to a pulp before breakfast.

FISHERMAN: (wakes up) (smells like fish)

SHASTA: Good morning, Dad!

FISHERMAN: (beats him) Morning, son.

SHASTA: I fixed the fishnets like you told me, Dad!

FISHERMAN: (beats him) Thanks, son. 

SHASTA: (smells like fish)

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TARKAAN: (rides up) Hello there, filthy peasants. I require your hospitality for the night.

FISHERMAN: Make room for our guest, boy.

SHASTA: Of course, Father. I can go and sleep in the shed tonight.

FISHERMAN: (beats him)

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TARKAAN: So how much for your slave there?

FISHERMAN: What father would sell his beloved son?

TARKAAN: What nobleman would refrain from beating a stupid fisherman senseless for telling such a stupid lie?

FISHERMAN: Huh?

TARKAAN: He's blond. You're not. TRY AGAIN.

FISHERMAN: Oh, I meant to say, "What fisherman could sell his weird boy that he found as a baby in a boat next to a starved-to-death body and now works to within an inch of his life?"

TARKAAN: . . . 

FISHERMAN: For anything less than seventy crescents?

(Scene: outside)

SHASTA: (eavesdropping like a filthy peasant) Huh, I'm not dad's son. So this is why I could never love the old geezetard.

TARKAAN'S HORSE: Actually, I think that might be all the beatings.

SHASTA: GYAH!!

TARKAAN'S HORSE: I mean, there are plenty of foundlings who love their adoptive parents, but there are also plenty of adoptive parents who don't treat their foundlings like crap.

SHASTA: GYAH!!

TARKAAN'S HORSE: But then there's the whole genes vs. environment thing, which I think is a fallacy, really. Completely ignores epigenetic factors in the real-world outcome.

SHASTA: GAYAA-AAAHH!!

TARKAAN'S HORSE: Oh for the—I've kept my mouth shut throughout my entire childhood of being mistaken for a mulch-munching grass gobbler. Surely you can SHUT UP NOW.

SHASTA: (shuts up)

TARKAAN'S HORSE: Look, I've been trying to plan my escape for a couple years and I've figured out that I need some fleshsack human decoy on my back to complete my disguise and you happen to not look heavy.

SHASTA: Well I am moderately underfed. But why should I leave everything I know to help you?

TARKAAN'S HORSE: Well I don't know _exactly_ why my master wanted to buy you, but he said something about being short on eunuchs.

SHASTA: (zips off in a poof of bass-scented dust)

TARKAAN'S HORE: Huh.

SHASTA: (zips back with the horse's bridle, saddle, gear, and six bags of Snackie's Travel Veggies)

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SHASTA: (riding) Can I use the bridle?

BREE: No.

SHASTA: Can I use the spurs?

BREE: No.

SHASTA: Can I use the bathroom?

BREE: No.

SHASTA: Think about that for a second.

BREE: (sighs) (chucks him off)

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SHASTA: Really it's okay, that fall broke fewer way bones than my fake dad coming home wasted.

BREE: Whatever. So when I was a war horse, I went like _this_ and the other dude went like _whoa_ and then we did like _whaa_ and everybody was all _yeeeeeeeeeaaah!_

SHASTA: (is chucked off) Cool! (climbs back on)

BREE: Hey, I think there's someone following us. I can tell by the hoofbeats that it's a fine blood mare, and the human is a real rider, not some filthy peasant who smells like fish.

SHASTA: I think I see them off to the left.

BREE: Well no reason to assume they're after us. We're staying away from them and they're staying away from us, so I guess we're safe.

LIONS: Rawr!

BREE: AAAAAAAA!!

OTHER HORSE: AAAAAAAAA!!

SHASTA: Hey, did she just—(is jerked forward)

BREE: Faster! Must go faster!

OTHER RIDER: Gyah! Lions!

SHASTA: Gyah! Lions!

LIONS: Rawr!

SHASTA: (hugs other rider) Hold me!

OTHER RIDER: Only if you hold me!

LIONS: Bored now. (stop chasing)

ARAVIS: I was hugging a filthy peasant!

SHASTA: I was hugging a _girl!_ Gross!

ARAVIS: You smell like fish!

SHASTA: Well ...you're a girl!

BREE: And _their_ species rules the world.

HWIN: I know. Weird.

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(Scene, campsite)

BREE: Hang on while I roll on the ground like a horse for a sec. I hope the other talking horses don't think I'm a stupid ground-rolling dork.

HWIN: Whatever.

BREE: So what's with the running away?

SHASTA: Yeah, from what I hear, you noble girls only get beaten bloody once a month, tops. Although the part where you cramp up for days doesn't sound fun.

ARAVIS: That's ...not what that means.

SHASTA: I got these cramps after eating a whole bowl of hummus once, let me tell you!

HWIN: Please don't.

ARAVIS: My dad and stepmom wanted me to marry some geriatric jackass so I stole my dead brother's armor and beat it like the slave girl who took the rap for me! HA HAAHAAHAHAHAAA!!

SHASTA: Neat.

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SHASTA: We should try to sneak straight through the city.

ARAVIS: I agree with Fishbreath McStinky. Tashbaan is the only river crossing for miles.

BREE: But I'll have to _disguise myself as a filthy peasant!!_ (meers)

ARAVIS: IF I HAVE TO DO IT THEN YOU HAVE TO DO IT!!

HWIN: Whatever. Hey, if we get separated, let's meet up at those spooky haunted jackal-infested tombs that are rumored to be either haunted and/or infested with jackals.

SHASTA: That sounds perfectly safe.

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ARAVIS: (squished by crowd) Pretending to be a filthy peasant sucks.

BREE: (also squished) Yo.

HWIN: (also squished) Whatyo.

SHASTA: (squished between two big fat guys) You know what? Cry me a fucking river.

TRUMPETGUY: Make way for the barbarian heathen royal dudes who worship the big scary demon lion! Give them extra berth; we think they have lice!

KING EDMUND: We can understand Calormene, you know!

TRUMPETER: Yes, I know.

SALLOWPAD THE RAVEN: (hovering) Highness, do you want me to—

KING EDMUND: No.

SALLOWPAD: (hovering) But he SO deserves to—

KING EDMUND: No!

(splat!)

TRUMPETER: What the?!

SALLOWPAD: It was the seagulls, I swear!

KING EDMUND: (glowers)

SALLOWPAD: _I_ was just going to drop this melon on his head, see?

SHASTA: Hee heee heee! Melons!

KING EDMUND: I know that laugh! (grabs Shasta) Corin, you little snarkwad, where have you been all night and why do you smell like fish?

SHASTA: (meep!) (is marched off)

ARAVIS: Hey! Where are you going with my ignorant meatshield, you royal jerk? Get your own!

HWIN: Just go with it!

TRUMPETERS: Now make way for Lasaraleen Tarkheena!

SEDAN BEARER#1: We have got the best sedan gig in the city. The boss's wife is a skinny noblechick who prides herself on weighing twelve pounds.

SEDAN BEARER#2: Score!

LASARALEEN: Hey, ARAVIS!!

ARAVIS: Aw crud.

LASARALEEN: Greetings my dear friend from prep school! I heard that you ran away from home and are currently in disguise!

ARAVIS: Shut up, you airhead!

LASARALEEN: Hey guys, it's ARAVIS TARKHEENA!!

ARAVIS: Double crud. (to Bree and Hwin) You two follow along! (hops on sedan and draws curtains)

SEDAN BEARER: Aw!

SEDAN BEARER: It's like she actually eats or something!

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SHASTA: (under breath) Oh god. Crazy northern grownup dudes. I wonder if they'll bother to kill me before they rip off my toes and feed them to that melon-dropping raven dude. (laughs) Melons! Still, mortal danger. Not fun.

KING EDMUND: So we did the yelling at him for running off. Should we feed him first or give him tea?

DWARF DUDE: I say we give him tea and then feed him.

MR. TUMNUS: No, you fool! We feed him and then give him tea!

SHASTA: Dear God, they're so horrible that they can afford to give me tea before they torture me!

QUEEN SUSAN: (bursts in) Oh Corin, we were so worried about you! (hugs him)

SHASTA: (is hugged) I am confused but not entirely displeased by this development.

QUEEN SUSAN: But why do you smell like fish?

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LASARALEEN: So your geriatric jackass not-husband just became grand vizier or something.

ARAVIS: Great for him. Still making with the escaping.

LASARALEEN: By all of our many gods that are based on Hittite and pre-Exodus Canaanite religions and not on Islam, you are stupid!

ARAVIS: Well I think _you're_ stupid.

LASARALEEN: You're dumber than my spoiled pet monkey.

ARAVIS: You're dumber than my stupid filthy peasant boy! ...but your monkey has got him on hygiene.

LASARALEEN: Whatevs. At least if I send your horses to the scary tombs and help you run off Podunk Northville I will know that I will be richer and more successful than you FOR EVER!!

ARAVIS: Thank you, old buddy!

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KING EDMUND: Now everybody let's discuss all our secret plans right in front of Corin, who is totally Corin and therefore not some random street urchin I picked up at the bus stop.

SHASTA: (eats a popover)

KING EDMUND: So are you going to marry this Prince Rabadash or not?

QUEEN SUSAN: Heck no. He's a jerk and I'm amazed I ever fell for it. He acted so much nicer in Narnia!

TUMNUS: The hell he did! He asked your sister if we had a recipe for faun.

****FLASHBACK****

RABADASH: Well just the _bottom_ half. What do you think I am, a freak?

****FLASHBACK****

QUEEN SUSAN: So that's why he was walking around with Lucy's dagger lodged in his skull. That lying jerk! He said that was a hatpin!

SALLOWPAD: Please, what hatpin makes a guy sing Calormene country music when you hit it with a melon?

QUEEN SUSAN: Yes, and I loved him for that too! What a fool I've been. Let's just pack up and go home.

KING EDMUND: That could be a problem, Sis. See, I have the sneaking suspicion that the prince wouldn't exactly take it very well.

****FLASHBACK****

RABADASH: I hope you've enjoyed touring our city's palaces and gardens. If Queen Susan declines to give me her hand, perhaps I can show you our dungeons instead.

KING EDMUND: Er... I'm not really into that. I know the dancing fauns don't wear pants, but that's just their thing.

RABADASH: I mean that if your sister doesn't marry me, I am going to get bolt of Tash on your ass!

KING EDMUND: Look, I'm flattered, but I don't swing that way, especially not for a guy who only likes me if my sister says no!

RABADASH: THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!!

****FLASHBACK****

KING EDMUND: He just didn't get that I was secure in my masculinity. Or he might want to torture and kill us all. One of those.

SALLOWPAD: And if he sees us prepping our ship for departure, he'll probably send soldiers to escort us back ...WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!

QUEEN SUSAN: So we're stuck in Tashbaan?

TUMNUS: We should have a party with lots of beer!

QUEEN SUSAN: Yes, but then we'd just be stuck in Tashbaan with hangovers.

TUMNUS: No! I mean we pretend to be throwing a bash in the prince's honor on board our ship, stock it with choice grub and then make for the waves while he's picking out his pointy shoes!

QUEEN SUSAN: Awesome! We could still get drunk on the way home, though, right?

TUMNUS: Well yes that was the point.

QUEEN SUSAN: I don't want to insult the Tisroc, though. Aside from totally knowing how to throw a garden party, I don't want him using my jiltacular dumping of his asshat son as an excuse to declare war on Narnia.

TUMNUS: Never mind it, my queen. The Calormenes would be morons to declare war.

QUEEN SUSAN: You mean because Aslan loves us so much?

KING EDMUND: There's that. But Aslan helps those who help themselves ...and we helped ourselves by building a badass navy.

TUMNUS: And if they don't attack by sea, they've got to cross that godawful desert. If you try to cross the desert with more than a tiny but elite strike force of maybe two hundred advanced cavalry you can't make it past the oasis. Such a force would barely be sufficient to take out that strategic hold of Anvard and put the Calormenes in a position to stage a greater and more effective attack on Narnia. Either way, all they get to do is suck and die!

SALLOWPAD: Actually, it would be totally possible to get an army across the desert. All you've got to do is start at those scary tombs, take ten steps north-northwest, head toward Mount Pire—

SHASTA: (drawing a map on his hand)

SALLOWPAD: And then you hit this little valley with a river and go all the way up to Archenland and from there to our turf.

KING EDMUND: Thanks, I'll remember that if I'm ever a wayward runaway looking for an unlikely escape.

SHASTA: (taking notes)

KING EDMUND: Now, to the beer shops! Just because it's a fake party doesn't mean we can buy cheap booze!

TUMNUS: Hear hear!

(exuent all but Shasta)

SHASTA: Alone at last. Now my knee-jerk reaction is to stay with these guys, get to Narnia and jump ship before they realize I'm not this Corin dude and leave Bree, Hwin and Stuckup McSnootypants to their own devices.

CORIN: (climbs through window) Hey! Who are you and why do you smell like fish?

SHASTA: Hi there. I see you are a grubby urchin like myself.

CORIN: Not exactly. I'm more the debauched irresponsible prince type. I just stepped out to beat up some local kids for calling Queen Susan a muntaculous hosebeast.

SHASTA: I do not know what that word means but do I ever the hell want to!

CORIN: Oh, I don't know either! I'm faking it! HA HA HA!

SHASTA: HA HA HA!

CORIN: We're best friends now!

SHASTA: Anywho, I think that King Edmund dude mistook me for you.

CORIN: Well you are devastatingly handsome so I can see how that might happen. But why didn't you just tell the truth?

SHASTA: 'Cause they're crazy barbarian north dudes with big pointy weapons and I tend to get beaten up for that.

CORIN: Ah. Cool.

SHASTA: So this is goodbye.

CORIN: Yep. Look me up if you actually make it to Archenland.

SHASTA: Will do.

CORIN: One more thing.

SHASTA: What?

CORIN: (hits Shasta)

SHASTA: WHAT THE FUCK?!

CORIN: YOU ATE ALL MY POPOVERS!!

 

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(meanwhile)

 

LASARALEEN: Blah blah blah new dress blah blah blah new house blah blah blah...

ARAVIS: (mopes)

LASARALEEN: What were you doing with a boy who wears fishnets, anyway? Look, I know male metrosexuals are pretty, but the second you need one of them to change a tire—

ARAVIS: He doesn't wear the fishnets; he just fixes them ...or bathes in them. One of those.

LASARALEEN: So your affianced husband is the grand vizier now.

ARAVIS: Then I weep for the Republic.

LASARALEEN: We live in a monarchy.

ARAVIS: Well then I weep for that!

LASARALEEN: If you had married him, you'd have had three palaces, fifty elephants, forty fakirs, basically everything from the Prince Ali song! If you go to the north with that ignorant fish gutter, you will be a nobody. Why, even if you don't have to take to the ol' strippin' pole, you'll barely manage to stay respectable, let alone get a house, wardrobe and entourage that could compare to mine.

ARAVIS: So you'll help me meet up with Shasta?

LASARALEEN: OHO yeah!

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(meanwhile)

BIG SCARY TOMBS: (are scary)

SHASTA: Meep!

CAT: Mew!

SHASTA: Aww! (pets kitty)

JACKALS: Hrooo!

SHASTA: Aaaah!

CAT: RAWR!

JACKALS: yip!yip!yip! (run away)

SHASTA: Huh?

CAT: ...mew?

SHASTA: . . .

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LASARALEEN: So you're disguised as a veiled wardrobe slave, right? If anybody stops us, we'll say you're a present for one of the princesses.

ARAVIS: And if anyone recognizes me?

LASARALEEN: We'll say it was one of my awesome pranks! I'll be more popular than ever.

ARAVIS: And what about me?

LASARALEEN: Your dad kicks your ass and sends you off to the nunnery. Or you'll get to marry the vizier after all.

ARAVIS: Great.

LASARALEEN: I knew you'd come around!

TISROC: (comes walking by)

LASARALEEN: Meep! We hide! (pulls Aravis)

ARAVIS: (is pulled)

(interior: Random Palace Room™)

ARAVIS: If the Tisroc is such a friend of yours, then why are you afraid for your life?

TISROC: (behind door) I think we'll have our super-secret meeting in here. (opens door)

LASARALEEN: We hide now! (trips Aravis and dives behind the couch)

ARAVIS: Why you! (dives behind couch on top of Lasaraleen)

LASARALEEN: Ow! (elbows Aravis)

ARAVIS: Ow!

TISROC: (behind door) I _SAID_ , OPEN THE DOOR, YOU DOOF!

OTHER VOICE: (behind door) My lord, the door slaves are deaf-mutes. They do not know what you mean.

TISROC: (behind door) Well why didn't you get the lip-reading deaf-mutes?

OTHER VOICE: (behind door) Because that would have defeated the point of getting them, great king!

TISROC: (behind door) So I should just point to the door or something?

OTHER VOICE: (behind door) That could work, yes.

TISROC: Great.

DOOR: (opens)

RABADASH: Darn that Queen Susan! First she invites me to a blowout and then she ditches me while I'm picking out my shoes!

VIZIER AHOSHTA: (is old) It's her loss, my prince. That footwear could have been selected by the gods themselves!

ARAVIS: It's my geriatric not-fiance!

LASARALEEN: He doesn't sound so bad.

ARAVIS: Well he looks like a pile of crap that was dried out, propped up in a robe, covered in a layer of nougat and then sat on by a bare monkeyrump.

RABADASH: And her brother was _totally_ coming on to me! That false jade! That daughter of dog! That muntaculous hosebeast!

DEAF-MUTE#1: (in hand code) Dude, there are two chicks behind this couch!

DEAF-MUTE#2: (in hand code) Cool! Girl-on-girl is the best! I knew this deaf-mute gig would beat being a eunuch!

RABADASH: --tching froglicker!

VIZIER AHOSHTA: ...so my prince has decided not to marry her? 

RABADASH: (kicks him)

TISROC: Nice toe action, son!

RABADASH: Thanks, Pops. (to Ahoshta) Well of course I'm still going to marry her, nimrod! Except now I mean "marry" in the sense of "kill most of her family and bring her back to my stronghold in chains."

VIZIER AHOSHTA: Oh. Those have a lower divorce rate than you'd think!

TISROC: Hold it right there, son. You're talking about open war with Narnia and maybe that other country up north that nobody cares about.

RABADASH: So? We were planning to add them to the empire at some point anyway, right? They fit the criteria.

VIZIER AHOSHTA: Indeed, for as the great tome of the first emperor reads, "If you are not already part of Calormen, press one and stay on the line. An invasion army will be with you shortly." But then, there is the slight matter of getting our forces across the desert without them all dying of dehydration and heat stroke.

RABADASH: (kicks him)

TISROC: Yes, I know that's our usual policy, but with Narnia, I want to exercise a little caution.

RABADASH: That's unusual. You feeling all right, Pops?

TISROC: Well, remember how a couple years ago Narnia was ruled by that babetacular enchantress with a thing for totalitarianism and turning people to stone?

RABADASH: Yeah, but she kicked the bucket and now Narnia is covered in cute little talking bunnies and shit.

VIZIER AHOSHTA: Yes, my prince, but those cute little bunnies kicked her ass!

TISROC: That's right! Queen Susan and sibs managed to defeat the White Witch with some talking squirrels and maybe a bow or two. I do not want to f@#% with them now that they've finally finished puberty and built that kickass navy. No getting us into war with Narnia. You can send Queen Susan some of that awful poetry of yours if you want, but I seriously don't know if that will help.

RABADASH: Oh. Good point. (sneaky voice) ...but what if I had a way of getting my girlfriend back that didn't involve dragging half the world into war?

TISROC: Well there's a first time for everything. Shoot, son.

RABADASH: (with laser pointer) I take a small strike force up through the desert to Anvard, blatantly violate the expectations of peace, take control of the castle, zip through Narnia the next day, nab Cair Paravel, wait for Queen Susan to step off the boat, nab her, zip back to Anvard, forge some letters to her brother the High King saying she's changed her mind and digs me now and come home. Meanwhile, you send troops over the desert in small groups to Anvard until we have a suitable invasion army. In the unlikely event that I get caught, you say I ran off and did it on my own while you were dancing Macarena with the western ambassadors. We go into Narnia, kick its ass and I get to try my new lemon zest faun recipe by next spring! 

VIZIER AHOSHTA: Lemon zest? Brilliant!

TISROC: It's sneaky, underhanded and involves decadent culinary. I like it!

RABADASH: Wohoo! (runs off)

VIZIER AHOSHTA: My lord, I cannot help but notice that your son is likely to get his ass handed to him.

TISROC: And I cannot help but notice that the last five Tisrocs in a row have come into the throne by murdering their predecessors—except for my dad who died in that accident that was totally accidental.

VIZIER AHOSHTA: Yes, I hear he fell down the stairs.

TISROC: Onto some arrows, but that's not the point.

VIZIER AHOSHTA: The point is that you have eighteen other sons and none of them are uppity like this one!

TISROC: That's right! HA HA HA!

VIZIER AHOSHTA: HA HA HA!

TISROC: Now let's make with the plausible deniability and get to bed.

VIZIER AHOSHTA: And shall I see to it that anyone who could possibly know about this conversation is executed, sire?

LASARALEEN: Meep!

TISROC: Executed and then fed to rabid wolverines!

LASARALEEN: MEEP!

VIZIER AHOSHTA: You got it!

DEAF-MUTE#1: (in hand code) Should we tell the boss about those girls? They might have heard something important.

DEAF-MUTE#2: (in hand code) Nah. It was probably another super-secret meeting to discuss their Fantasy Jackal-Baiting team.

DEAF-MUTE#1: (in hand code) As if!

DEAF-MUTE#2: (in hand code) Hey, as long as the nobles stay amused, they don't do something stupid like invade Narnia with no exit strategy.

DEAF-MUTE#1: (in hand code) Amen!

(They leave.)

LASARALEEN: (gets up from behind the couch) Meep! Mergle! Mmmrrrfff!

ARAVIS: (gets up from behind the couch) Wow. Running away to a live a poverty and struggle was the _best decision ever._

LASARALEEN: You mean you don't want to marry the vizier now that you've seen how close he is to the Tisroc?

ARAVIS: Please, I wouldn't even take his freshman civics class, and if that perv came on to me, I'd report his ass to faculty review so fast that his bunions would get whiplash! Now to get to Shasta and warn the king of Anvard before the prince can get there.

LASARALEEN: Seriously? I mean I could buy a dissatisfied bride fleeing her beloved homeland, but committing treason by warning the enemy? That's a bit much. Frothy though I am, I should probably rat you out.

C.S. LEWIS: Hey! Say the line like I told you to or I'll write you some warts!

LASARALEEN: Meep! I mean, Aravis, it's the Tisroc planning the attack. It must be all right if he's going to do it!

ARAVIS: Um, no?

C.S. LEWIS: And that's the lesson, kids!

ARAVIS: Yeesh. The boats are that way, right?

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ARAVIS: (is boaty)

TOMBS: (are scary)

ARAVIS: (is feisty)

BREE: We're over here!

GROOMSERVANT: ...did you just talk?

BREE: No. Must've been the flesh-eating beastieghouls that haunt the tombs.

GROOMSERVANT: AAAAAA!!

ARAVIS: Here's a tip.

GROOMSERVANT:AAAAAAAA—thank you—AAAAAAAA!! (runs away)

ARAVIS: Well he seemed nice.

HWIN: Whatever.

SHASTA: (walks up) Guys!

BREE: Decoy!

ARAVIS: Filthy peasant!

SHASTA: Snootypants! Anywho, you guys aren't going to believe what happened to me!

HWIN: What happened?

SHASTA: I got us directions!

HWIN: . . . (is speechless)

BREE: . . . (is speechless)

ARAVIS: . . .

SHASTA: Ha ha! PWNZ!!

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NIGHT: (is dark)

DESERT: (is deserty)

HORSES: (trotta trotta)

ARAVIS: Shouldn't we be going faster? If we get to Anvard after the prince invades we lose your homeland, your homeland, your refugeeland and my anything-beats-marrying-the-bootlicking-relic land.

HWIN: Whatever. We can't actually ride all night and trotting does actually make good time.

BREE: Besides, it's not like the prince could have left right away. He has to get the men woken up, the horses prepped, the supplies supplied and the pointy shoes picked out.

ARAVIS: Mmmph.

BREE: Besides, it's not like Shasta's complaining.

SHASTA: (in saddle) (SNNOOOOOORRREEE)

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DESERT: (is deserty)

HORSES: (are thirsty)

ARAVIS: (is bitchy)

SHASTA: (is a hundred miles from the ocean and still manages to smell like fish) YAY, RIVER!

HORSES: Wohoo! (splash!)

SHASTA: Also wohoo! (also splash)

ARAVIS: But now that we've had a drink we have to keep going or else we won't make it to Anvard first!

BREE: You're absolutely right!

EVERYONE: (falls asleep)

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BREE: Oh no! We've barely woken up in time to stop the prince and his soldiers. It's too bad that I am simply too tired to move another step.

LION: Rawr!

BREE: (running full-tilt) AAAAAAAAAA!!

HWIN: (running full-tilt) AAAAAAAAAA!!

SHASTA: (barely hanging on) Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

ARAVIS: (barely hanging on) Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

THE LION: Yes, but they don't know that yet.

ARAVIS: ...did you just talk?

THE LION: No. I mean RAWR! (claws)

ARAVIS: (is clawed) AAAAA!!

SHASTA: I'll save you, you snooty bitch! (jumps off of Bree)

LION: Rawr!

SHASTA: Crap

LION: Bored now. (leaves)

HERMIT: Yo! I'll take care of the horses and the snooty girl, but ignorant meatshield's gotta start running thataway!

SHASTA: That hardly seems fair.

HERMIT: TOUGH NUGGIES!

SHASTA: #$#% you! (starts running)

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HERMIT: (to Bree) You only think you're smart and brave because you've been comparing yourself to ordinary non-talking horses who can barely walk and poop at the same time.

BREE: He's right! (weeps)

HERMIT: (to Aravis) Those cuts on your back hurt like hell soaked in lemon juice but the only reason the lion didn't rip your trachea out through your ass was because of the giant stick.

HERMIT: (to Hwin) You ...are all right.

HWIN: Yay!

ARAVIS: Why are you so mean? All we did was show up.

HERMIT: Oh gosh. Wow. Maybe if I don't want to deal with people, I should go and LIVE AS A HERMIT OR SOMETHING!!

ARAVIS: . . .

HERMIT: Jerks!

 

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.

SHASTA: (running like hell) GASP!

DARRIN: Hold it right there! Nobody runs right up to the king's hunting party!

DAR: Yeah! What is your business here? Nobody threatens our king!

KING LUNE: (from behind the DAR/INs) Hey, is that a guest? Lemme see!

DAR and DARRIN: (sigh)

SHASTA: (to the King) ImsorrythisissofastbutImreallyoutofbreathPrinceRabadashiscomingtoattackyouwithalotofcavalrysogohomeandgetreadybythewayIknowIlooklikeCorinbutImnothim. (keels over)

KING LUNE: Huh. Okay, looks like today's ceremonial hedgehog hunt is rainchecked!

HUNTING PARTY: Awww...

KING LUNE: ...because we get to knock some Calormene heads together instead!

HUNTING PARTY: Wohoo!

KING LUNE: Somebody put our little messenger on a horse!

HUNTING PARTY: (does so)

KING LUNE: And KEEP AN EYE ON HIM!

HUNTING PARTY: (looks away and whistles)

SHASTA'S HORSE: (wanders off)  
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SHASTA: (on horse)

ALSAN: Hi there.

SHASTA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

HORSE: (is a horse)

ASLAN: Yo. I've been saving your ass and driving you nuts the whole time!

SHASTA: But you're the big scary demon lion that everyone in Calormen says is a demon.

ASLAN: Well I do have a certain blazing badass quality.

SHASTA: Will I ever stop smelling like fish, scary lion guy?

ASLAN: Wait and see, my bud.

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.  
.

ASLAN: Yo.

HERMIT: She's in there.

BREE: AAAAA!!

HWIN: (rolls eyes) Whatever.

ASLAN: Aravis, the scratches on your back are mark for mark identical to the lashings that your slave girl was given when you slipped her that mickey and I did it so that you would learn not to dehumanize people.

ARAVIS: They did that to Beth?

ASLAN: . . .

ARAVIS: You did know her name was Beth, right?

HWIN: Let it go.

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SHASTA: (writing) Dear Dad. Thank you for pulling me out of the rowboat when I was a baby. As you may have realized by now, I've run away so that you wouldn't sell me into slavery. Narnia is just like you told me, except the scary demon animals don't rip out your liver and eat it. They just feed you tea and muffins. I've got to go now because the neighbor squirrels said there was a big group of people coming through. I hope the bass are biting hard as they did the year you dangled my toes in the water for bait. Love, your not-son Shasta.

BADGER: Hey kid, want a scone?

SHASTA: Oh, thanks! Just a minute. (Shasta takes the paper and beats and jumps on it. Then he puts it in an envelope.) Okay, now I'm done.

BADGER: . . .

SHASTA: (eats scone) Mmm!

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ARMY: (stops)

CORIN: (leans out of crowd) Hey! Handsome dude from Tashbaan!

SHASTA: Hey, equally handsome dude from Tashbaan.

CORIN: Oh we are so sneaking into that battle! Here, put on this armor.

SHASTA: But we're only six, er, or sixteen! ...how old am I supposed to be in this again?

CORIN: Just put on the breastplate, moron.

BOTH: Hee heee heee!

CORIN: I said breast!

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ARAVIS: I wonder what's going on at Anvard.

HWIN: You could come watch the battle with us.

ARAVIS: Huh?

HWIN: Yeah, the hermit guy totally has like a vision pool and crud.

BREE: (calling from outside) And it's a flatscreen!

ARAVIS: You guys knew what was going on and you didn't tell me?!

HWIN: We asked you five times. You said you were dreaming about mocha-chip supremos.

ARAVIS: (sigh) Whatever, I'm coming now! (tries to move) GYAAAH!! F#$&!in' morality lion!

HWIN: Easy!

(Outside, the hermit is sitting with Bree and a bowl popcorn, pointing a controller at his pond.)

HERMIT: Yeah, come join us. Or sleep all day. One of those.

HWIN: Let it go.

ARAVIS: So what's going on?

HERMIT: One of the giants is down, but it looks like the Archenjerks and Narniards managed to get their shit together before Prince Pantyflash and posse showed up and now they're beating the crap out of each other.

ARAVIS: Who's that Tarkhaan getting sat on by the frost giant?

BREE: My old master! Wohoo, squish his bony ass!

HWIN: Hey there's some guy flopping in the middle there... Is he dancing or something?

BREE: Oho he's not going to last long.

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(scene: the battle)

CORIN: (Feint! Parry! Stab!) Ha ha!

SHASTA: (Fumble! Flail! Trip!) AAAAAAAAAAA!!

CORIN: (Fighting) This! Is! Awesome!

SHASTA: (Flailing) I! Hate! You!

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KING EDMUND: Well, sorry for what we did to your lawn, but at least we got rid of those pesky invaders.

KING LUNE: So you found a kid in Tashbaan who looked _exactly_ like my son and you _didn't_ think "hey maybe this is King Lune's long-lost other son" and, oh, I don't know, maybe hang onto him or something?

KING EDMUND: What with the escape and all, I forgot you had a long-lost son.

KING LUNE: I mention it every goddamned time you jerks come to visit!

KING EDMUND: Meh.

KING LUNE: I've got his picture up in half the rooms in my castle!

KING EDMUND: Meh.

KING LUNE: He's on every freakin' milk carton from here to the Lone Islands!

KING EDMUND: Meh. Besides, how do we know it's really him anyway?

(The two kings round a bend and see Corin and Shasta, minus helmets, on the lawn.)

SHASTA: (yelling at Corin) If you _ever_ do that to me again, I will _fuck your shit up!!_

CORIN: (to Shasta) Oh like you were in that much mortal danger.

SHASTA: Swords! Killing! Death! Fuck shit up!

CORIN: Look, you were disarmed in the first two minutes. I'm not exactly afraid of you.

SHASTA: Maybe not, but I know more ways to gut fish that you can _possibly imagine_. So you're a prince of Archenland. You can't be that different from a yellow-whiskered mackerel.

CORIN: You take that back, you trout-reeking southron!

SHASTA: MAKE ME!!

(They fight)

KING LUNE: Well, I'm satisfied.

DARRIN: Indeed, your highness, it must be true!

DAR: Yes, only a twin brother would fall for a wimpy sucker punch like that.

DARRIN: You take that back!

DAR: MAKE ME!!

(They fight)

KING LUNE: _Awesome!_

CORIN: (fishhooks Shasta)

SHASTA: (kicks out Corin's knee)

CORIN: (hits the dirt) FUCKALL!!

KING LUNE: _AWESOME!_

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(A troop of fifty people, knights, trumpeters, pages, and men-at-arms approach the hermit's door.)

HERMIT: My zinnias!!

TRUMPTERS: (trumpet)

ARAVIS: (opens the door) Hermit, are you all right?

TRUMPTERS: (trumpet)

ARAVIS: Gyah!

HERALD: Prince Cor of Archenland seeks an audience with Aravis Tarkheena!

ARAVIS: Pardon?

HERALD: Prince Cor is the steadfast savior of the kingdom, blonde-headed, stout-hearted, 'bout yay high, brother of Prince Corin, son of King Lune, tennis partner of Queen Lucy.

ARAVIS: Doesn't ring any bells.

HERALD: And he kind of smells like fish.

ARAVIS: Shasta!

SHASTA: Yo! Turns out I was a prince the whole time! Fuckin' A, right?

HERALD: (whaps Shasta)

SHASTA: (is whapped) Ow. Downside is they say I can't be a filthy peasant anymore and I'm not allowed to say fuck or boobs or shit or cock or—

HERALD: (whaps Shasta)

SHASTA: (is whapped) Ow!

ARAVIS: Oh. You're also allowed to hit them back when they do that.

SHASTA: Really? Score! (hits herald)

HERALD: Owf!

SHASTA: Awesome! Anywho, King Lune, who is my dad or something, said you can totally come and live with us for helping me come back from Calormen.

ARAVIS: (throws away application to the South Archenland Strippers Academy) That works for me!

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(on the ride back)

KING LUNE: So Cor said you're some noble chick who helped him escape by being his ignorant meat shield, so I had the neighbor lady Queen Lucy make up the guest room..

ARAVIS: (to King Lune) You'll have a hard time educating the stupid out of Shasta. He even jumped off his horse to rescue me when I was being chased by that lion!

KING LUNE: He jumped stupidly into the arms of danger to save an ungrateful pre-hotling? THAT'S MAH BOY!! (nuggies him)

SHASTA: (is nuggied) Gyah! I hate you, Aravis!

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(Later, all Anvard dances the electric bugaloo of victory.)

KING LUNE: You kicked so much ass, Queen Lucy.

QUEEN LUCY: No _you_ kicked ass!

KING LUNE: No _you_ kicked ass!

QUEEN LUCY: Pardon me, but I think I see our guest of honor coming.

KING LUNE: (under breath) If I thought she'd go for it, I would _so_ tap that.

RABADASH: (is led in by armed guards)

KING LUNE: Ah, Prince Rabadash. Yeah, I felt the guards were necessary what with the bringing an armed force to kill me and all. Anywho, I hope you found the guest tower comfortable. I sent somebody up with a couple of ArchenMuffins. Now did you get those all right?

RABADASH: I WILL KILL YOU, FAT MAN!!

KING LUNE: Riiiiiiiiight.

ASLAN: (shows up) Yo!

EVERYBODY: (hits the ground)

SHASTA: Huh? Oh! (hits the ground)

ASLAN: You can get up, dudes. We're cool.

KING LUNE: But what do we do with Rabadash?

ASLAN: Instead of killing him I will make him ridiculous.

KING LUNE: Sounds good, but he's already got an arrow lodged in his head, see? (hits arrow)

ARROW: (twaaaaaaaaaaanggg!)

RABADASH: (sings) Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Tarkaans!

ASLAN: That is pretty bad. But I think that I will turn Rabadash into a royal jackass!

KING EDMUND: You mean _more than he already is_? OHOO HOO HOO!! That was funny! Thanks for the setup, Aslan!

ASLAN: (to Rabadash) I am going to turn you into a donkey. 

RABADASH: (turns inside out)

KING EDMUND: GROSS!

ASLAN: Oops, too much... Hang on.

RABADASH: (squishes around and has six donkey feet extending at awkward angles)

RANDOM SOLDIER: (barfs)

ASLAN: Third time's the charm!

RABADASH: (squishes around and becomes ordinary donkey) (freaks out)

ASLAN: (under breath) Everybody laugh.

EVERYBODY: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

RABADONKEY: SCREEEEE-HAW!!

ASLAN: It's not forever. You're not that bad. You will change back to human form if you go all the way back to Tashbaan, go to the main temple during the Feast of Everyone in One Place, walk all the way to the altar and do the boggle dance! Then you will change back in front of everyone you ever knew or wanted to impress.

RABADONKEY: (flicks ears, which is donkey for, "Screw that!") (turns around and tries to walk out)

ASLAN: Oh for f@$#ck's sake, somebody grab him!

RANDOM SOLIDERS: (drag Rabadash back in by his pointy ears)

KING LUNE: All rightie. I'll set you up with a barge and some stablehands and maybe some Oatie-Outstanding ArchenMuffins this time.

RABADONKEY: (SCREEE!)

KING LUNE: Oh come on, they're not that bad!

ARAVIS: (to Shasta) So is Corin upset that you've usurped his place for the throne?

CORIN: No, I'm conveniently cool with it.

SHASTA: So I guess in a few years you and I will find our mutual antagonism morphing into something like affection, get married and have a son who's the greatest leader that Archenland has ever known.

ARAVIS: Yes, but for right now, you still smell like fish. (beans him)

SHASTA: Ow!

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THE END

**Author's Note:**

> .  
> .  
> .
> 
> Posted to AO3 on 1-26-2013  
> Cross-posted to LiveJournal under userID Darkfrog24  
> drf24 (at) columbia.edu


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